January 31, 2006

I think we're actually making some progress. Family session was good yesterday. She got a little sulky during and afterward, but she didn't let it control her. She actually pulled herself out of it and managed conversation and consideration. It was ... mature. Very mature. Hooray! And now they are back to discussing the possibility of transitioning her back into school - and she's excited about it. She might even start the transitioning tomorrow. That would be fabulous!

As for me, I'm trying really hard to accept things for what they are. It's been so many years of extreme ups and downs that the ups - while nice - usually make me very anxious because I know that an equally extreme down is coming. I'm trying to just take it one day - one emotion - at a time. Maybe by doing this we can all work together to minimize the extremes and just BE.

January 28, 2006

Last night my daughter and her boyfriend came to see my show. It's one of her favorites and I am cast as her favorite character in this show, so I was a little nervous (imagine that!) performing it in front of her. She told me, when we returned home, that she loved the show and my performance.

As I was on my way to bed, the following exchange occurred:
"Goodnight, Sweetie."
"Goodnight, Mom."
"I love you."
"I love you, too."

Talk about spinning heads! Wow! That so totally made my whole day, night, week. Amazing.

January 26, 2006

I know she's sick. I know it's a real illness that she's dealing with. But there are times - especially the last couple of days - that I just want to scream, "Pull the selfish stick out of your ass and grow up already!" Does that make me a bad mom? I feel so guilty for thinking that, but ... ack! It's just so hard! We completely rearrange our schedules and our lives - all of us, even the little ones - to accomodate her and her needs and all we get in return is, "That's not fair." She doesn't even want to get me started on what's not fair. She might get a helluva lot more than she bargains for if I were to get started on that with her. It's not fair that our lives are turned upside down. It's not fair that her teachers have to make special arrangements for her schoolwork. It's not fair that we are putting so many miles on the cars transporting her back and forth to treatment. It's not fair that we have given up our social lives, such as they were, because we don't feel comfortable leaving her alone - or allowing her to babysit the little ones - while we're out. It's not fair that our physical healths are being jeopardized because of the stress we're under dealing with her. It's not fair that we feel like we need to walk on eggshells around her in order to hopefully prevent - or minimize - a confrontation. It's not fair that we are all doing her chores because she refuses to - they still need to be done. It's not fair that she spews venom at anybody who crosses her path - me, her father, her younger siblings - just because she feels like being mean and nasty. It's not fair. But, quite frankly, LIFE is not fair. Not for any of us. It's hard. It very rarely goes as planned. And we almost never get out of it what we had hoped. But at the end of the day, it's all worth it. It's worth every second, every ounce, every breath that we put into it ... and then some. I know it. It has to be.

January 25, 2006

The eggshells are back ... and we're walking all over them again.

She apparently had a bad day at treatment yesterday. She had to read her nightly goal out loud in CORE group and they called bullshit on most of it. That made her mad. She really just needs to learn to be honest and to take personal responsibility, but she is fighting that so hard. She's still wanting to get an industrial piercing and thinks we are being unreasonable by not allowing it so she is threatening to just do it herself. She's also still insisting that we are overreacting to finding her getting high in her bedroom. She's back to being fascinated with the macabre - or at least putting up the front that she's macabre ... I'm still not sure which. She's cranky and defensive and argumentative. I'm really hoping this is just a last ditch attempt on her part to resist treatment and that she will finally start really seeing what's going on and really start working on changing and really start accepting that she is an incredible person. Hopefully we'll be able to discuss at least most of this in our family session today.

January 24, 2006

Talked with her psychiatrist & therapist yesterday. They're thinking she may have a sort of borderline psychosis on top of it all that prevents her from focusing her thoughts, making decisions, and taking stands. They want to watch her for a little while longer. It's all pretty confusing to me right now.

January 23, 2006

The weekend was much better than I had feared. She's very nervous and a little bit scared of the thought of transition, but she's getting accustomed to it. I might even go so far as to say that she is even looking forward to it a bit. We should hear from her "team" today about it.

She went on a date with her boyfriend this weekend - out for sushi and a movie. They were given a 10:30pm curfew. Unfortunately, they were an hour late. That was a bit dissappointing, but at least they took the consequences well and will work towards getting that freedom/privilege back again.

I think she even managed to get all her missing homework assignments completed this weekend and turned them in on her way to treatment this morning. Hooray!

January 21, 2006

So much for a good night's sleep. My daughter isn't taking the news about a possible transition well. In fact, she's very anxious - maybe a little panicky - at the thought. This worries me because she may cut herself just so they'll put her into inpatient instead of releasing her.

On the other hand, last night she returned a paid of earrings I'd forgotten she borrowed and a nail file I thought I'd lost. Maybe that's a good sign?

January 20, 2006

Wow! What a difference a week makes. During our family session with the therapist this morning we learned that our daughter's "team" is considering the possibility of her beginning transition back to "the real world" starting as early as next week. This is exciting, but still a bit anxiety provoking. I'm sure it won't be a sudden departure, leaving her to cope with things completely on her own and that it will, instead, be a gradual reintroduction ... but still ... it's scary. I think - hope - that she's learned enough coping skills to make the transition successfully. I'm not naive enough to believe that she'll make it without challenge or slips, but I really really hope that she can make it through those challenges a little easier and stronger than before. And I think - hope - that we are better equipped to help her through those times. Her "team" meets Monday to discuss things - when, how, etc. - and we'll find out for sure on Wednesday.

I think I might actually be able to get a good night's sleep. Wow.

January 19, 2006

Seventeen years ago today I was given the most amazing gift imaginable. This gift completely changed my life, turning it upside and rearranging everything I thought about everything. Seventeen years ago I became a mother for the very first time. Seventeen years filled with joy, fear, frustration, celebration, laughter, tears, screams, smiles, pride, anger, adoration, giggles, quizzacles, learning, adulation, love.

I cannot even remember the world without her in it.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful, intelligent, talented, witty, incredible daughter!

January 18, 2006

Yup. It was apparently a miscommunication. Our appointment is today at 12:30. I could have sworn it was Tuesday. Oh, well. What's 2 lost hours?

I think we're still making progress. My daughter was mopey yesterday, but not vicious. She took her math final and finished it with a half-hour to spare. Good for her! Her behavior even earned her some internet time while she did her Government homework. Unfortunately, she was crabby this morning, but then so am I.

I am still just so exhausted. I haven't slept a full night through since before Christmas and it's really starting to play havoc on my body. My nerves are shot. I'm bitchy. And it's taking every ounce of self-control I possess not to fly off the handle at people. Argh!

Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday. She'll be 17. She doesn't want cake and ice-cream. She wants butterscotch pudding - my homemade from scratch butterscotch pudding. It's nice to know I can do something right for her. :-)

January 17, 2006: pt. 2

We went in for our family session appointment today ... but apparently there was a misunderstanding or something. The therapist was nowhere to be found, even after having her paged several times. We ended up leaving a "please call us to reschedule" note on her door.

*frustrated sigh*

January 17, 2006

It was a good weekend, especially for a three day-er. She was in a relatively good humor the entire time. We could see little flashes of irritability, but she held herself in check wonderfully. I find this incredibly encouraging and can really see that silver lining now.

She went through a battery of psychological tests last week that we should be going over in today's family session. It will be interesting to see what they show and to learn our next step in her recovery.

January 16, 2006

Friday night got a little ugly. For some reason she'd decided she wanted to fight and nothing would stop it - not even just leaving the room. But she was past whatever it was by Saturday morning. Once she got that all out of her system, the rest of the weekend was actually quite nice. Her boyfriend came over and spent several hours with us both Saturday and Sunday. That, I think, helped her a lot. It was so very nice to see her smile and hear her laugh.

Today is Martin Luther King Day - a federal holiday - so she'll be home today. All day. My husband has to work, so that leaves just me with the kids. I bounce back and forth being nervous about it and being happy about it - I do a lot of emotional bouncing these days - but I think we'll be okay. She's been trying really hard to make some changes with how she reacts. And I've been trying really hard, as well.

January 13, 2006

Wow. Last night was so much better. Maybe it was the family group session. Maybe it was the lack of caffeine in her system. Maybe the stars were just all in some lucky alignment. Whatever it was, last night was better. We even had a pleasant, honest, non-confrontational conversation about her earning some internet privileges back. Not one single raised voice, swear word, accusation nor sarcastic comment. Not one. It was nice.

And this morning was good, too, even tho' she overslept. She was down-right pleasant. If this is my birthday present from her, it's my favorite one.

January 12, 2006

Wow. Yesterday was rough. She is so resistant to this program. She's even making her treatment team scratch their heads over what to do about her. We all think that deep down she knows she needs help and really wants it, but right now she is fighting it with every ounce of power she has. Her therapist said she is at "high risk" for more self-harm and possibly suicide. That scares the hell out of me. We're coming up on 3-day weekend where she will be home the whole time and I am scared. I pray constantly. I cry frequently. I try not to let the little ones pick up on just how stressful and scared I am for her. I am so tired.

This morning was fine ... I guess. She's withdrawn again. Her eyes are so empty.

January 11, 2006: part 2

The family session today was so hard for me. My daughter is "very high risk" and if she doesn't start working the program soon she is in imminent danger. I feel like such an awful mother right now. The therapist assured us that we are doing everything right and that we are doing all we can for her, but they are not even sure what else to try. If this doesn't work ... if this doesn't save her ... if she does the unimaginable ... what do I do?

January 11, 2006

Aaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm really starting to feel like I'm going to crack. It just keeps getting harder and harder and the stress just keeps building and building. I'm sure this is exactly what is supposed to happen - the storm is darkest before the light - but I really don't know how much more I can take. Every muscle in my body aches. I cried all the way to rehearsal last night. I'm having a difficult time sleeping. My headaches are worsening. It's killing me. It really is.

The program director wanted to talk to me yesterday when I arrived to pick her up. She told me that my daughter is still resisting the program, that her lack of sleep is affecting her attitude, her health and her willingness to work the program. She has suggested that we not let her have any caffeine for awhile and that if she doesn't start going to bed and getting enough sleep that we should consider having her quit her job and possibly even limit her contact with her friends until she does get some sleep. She said this could end up with her being admitted to inpatient treatment until she makes the change to care for and respect her body. The program director pulled her aside and told her the same thing she had just told me so she knows where she stands there.

She was most unpleasant for the rest of the evening and this morning. The nastiness is back. Oh, boy is it back. To say she is being passive-aggressive would be mild. There is such hatred in her eyes when she looks at me that it just rips my heart out.

One of her friends called her on the phone and they spent a good hour visiting. I overheard her (which I'm sure she wanted, since she was sitting on the couch and speaking loudly when it is usually her habit to take calls in her room for privacy) telling her friend about the program and how silly it is and how easy it is to manipulate the counselors and how they tricked one of the counselors into telling them which illicite drugs are healthy and won't permanently affect/damage your brain. And she laughed about it.

She tried to refuse to eat dinner. She ate it anyway, insulting me with each bite. After I left for rehearsal, she went downstairs to the master bathroom where her father found her trying to make herself throw up. She said she "didn't feel good."

This morning I went into the kitchen to get her medication for her to take and found her standing there with the bottle in her hands. She told me she took the pill herself. I asked her not to do that and that either her father or I will give her the pill so we can let the doctor know that she is, indeed, taking it as prescribed. She swore and insulted me and things just continued right on downhill from there. I have no idea if she really took it or not.

The effect this is having on all of us is so hard to take. All the driving to and from the treatment center takes so much time. Time that I would normally be cleaning or cooking or helping her younger siblings (10 yrs old and 7 yrs old) with their schoolwork. My husband is missing so much time from work where he has a major project that is now behind schedule. I won't even touch on the money burden this is. It all just keeps piling up and piling up and piling up to where I can barely see over the top of it all. I know somewhere in my heart that there is a silver lining to all of this, but I'm sure having a hard time seeing it right now.

January 10, 2006

Our first family session went well yesterday. I think. She was sullen and quiet to begin, but she would talk quite a bit when the therapist would ask her questions. She wouldn't make eye-contact with us, but it's still early in her treatment. And the therapist didn't make us feel like failures as parents. I think, deep down, that I was fearful of that. Maybe I still am. Maybe that's because I feel like a failure as a parent.

They are doing daily body checks on her to make sure there are no new wounds. That has got to be hard for her. The therapist said they were impressed by just how extensive her scarring and wounds are. That breaks my heart. I knew there were a lot, but I'm sure there are more than I can even comprehend.

Her concentration level is really low right now - her mind must just be so full of thoughts and confusions. She's having an awful time staying focused. She studied her math last night for over an hour and just can't seem to wrap her mind around the concepts that have been so familiar and natural to her all these years. It's painful to see. I wish I could just kiss it and make it better for her. Why can't I just kiss it and make it better?

This morning was ok. She seemed in a fairly decent mood, all things considered. I hope it's a good sign for the day.

January 9, 2006

My husband and I returned home yesterday evening. It was a long weekend and a beautiful funeral.

I think the kids enjoyed having Grammy and Poppy stay with them - the little ones, especially. My oldest, however, told me that she now understands a lot about me and why I am the way I am. She said she spent the 1st 16 years of her life thinking her grandparents were the coolest people on the planet and that I am just pathetically out of touch, but now she's found out she was wrong and she feels betrayed. She also said she felt like she was in a 24/7 therapy session. I guess that means they wouldn't let her take the car out alone or go online or get that industrial piercing or any of the things that she's not allowed to do just now. LOL! Thanks, Mom & Dad.

She started taking Prozac Saturday morning. Right now it's a very low dose - 10mg per day. Hopefully it will work for her. I don't really like playing the "let's experiment until we find the right drug" game, but what else are you gonna do? Nothing else has been working. And I know (hope) that she won't have to be on it forever, just until she can learn to live normally without it.

This morning was touch and go. She was very cranky and argumentative, trying to pick fights over little things. I'm just too tired to play along. I think that was making her mad, too. It's no fun to fight alone.

Our first family session is today. I hope it goes well. I have no idea what to expect from it. I'd like them to tell us that she's been cured and is all better and will send her home with us to live our happily ever after ... but I know that won't happen. Not just yet, anyway.

January 6, 2006

The drive home yesterday was pretty much the same as the day before. She is sullen and sulky and not at all happy to see me. She plays her iPod so loud that it's difficult for the rest of us to converse with each other or to even listen to what's playing on the radio. I know this is normal and to be expected, but ... *sigh*

She had work last night. It must have gone well because she came home in a fairly good mood. She was conversational and friendly. Maybe it's just me she hates.

I look at her and I see this beautiful, amazing, intelligent, multi-talented angel who is filled with so much sadness and anger and confusion that it just makes my heart break. How do I help her see just how amazing she really is?

My husband and I are flying out of state tonight for a funeral. My parents will be staying with the kids while we are gone. I hope all goes well for them. I'm sure it will. They are more than experienced in dealing with this sort of kid - they work in juvenile corrections. I'm trying to not worry. Really, I am.

January 5, 2006

Well, yesterday went better than I feared. She was a bit confused and anxiously irritated when I checked her out of school and told her where we were going. She was sullen and withdrawn and sulky during our orientation session with her new counselors. But ... she stayed. And she wasn't confrontational. And I think she listened.

She was smiling and laughing with the counselor when the little ones and I arrived to pick her up for the day. Of course, the minute we walked out of the facility she was immediately sullen and sulky, but I expected so much worse. She scowled most of the way home and went straight to her bedroom to play her stereo too loud, but, again, I expected that. The surprising part was her niceness when her dad got home from work. She even wished him a happy birthday and ate all of her dinner (of course, it was her favorite dish) and spent a pleasant evening with the family. While I was gone for the night (rehearsal), her boyfriend came over and helped her get her college application filled out and emailed.

All in all, it was a good day. I am cautiously optimistic.

Day One

It's a hard, hard thing to admit that you don't know how to make your child feel happy or safe or wanted or any other loving emotions a child should feel.

Today we enrolled our oldest child into a daytime care facility for troubled teens. It's like being committed to a mental hospital/treatment facility only without the overnight stays.

She's a cutter. Self harm. Self mutilation. She needs help we just can't give. Help I wish more than breath that I could give. It's tearing me up. This beautiful, intelligent, talented, witty breath of life that I created - blood of my blood, flesh of my flesh - and I can't help her. At least we can get her the help that she needs and provide to her a safe haven while she learns to love herself again as we love her.

Please ... let her learn to love herself.

Please.