January 26, 2006
I know she's sick. I know it's a real illness that she's dealing with. But there are times - especially the last couple of days - that I just want to scream, "Pull the selfish stick out of your ass and grow up already!" Does that make me a bad mom? I feel so guilty for thinking that, but ... ack! It's just so hard! We completely rearrange our schedules and our lives - all of us, even the little ones - to accomodate her and her needs and all we get in return is, "That's not fair." She doesn't even want to get me started on what's not fair. She might get a helluva lot more than she bargains for if I were to get started on that with her. It's not fair that our lives are turned upside down. It's not fair that her teachers have to make special arrangements for her schoolwork. It's not fair that we are putting so many miles on the cars transporting her back and forth to treatment. It's not fair that we have given up our social lives, such as they were, because we don't feel comfortable leaving her alone - or allowing her to babysit the little ones - while we're out. It's not fair that our physical healths are being jeopardized because of the stress we're under dealing with her. It's not fair that we feel like we need to walk on eggshells around her in order to hopefully prevent - or minimize - a confrontation. It's not fair that we are all doing her chores because she refuses to - they still need to be done. It's not fair that she spews venom at anybody who crosses her path - me, her father, her younger siblings - just because she feels like being mean and nasty. It's not fair. But, quite frankly, LIFE is not fair. Not for any of us. It's hard. It very rarely goes as planned. And we almost never get out of it what we had hoped. But at the end of the day, it's all worth it. It's worth every second, every ounce, every breath that we put into it ... and then some. I know it. It has to be.
posted by Leisl | 1:13 PM
1 Comments:
I so understand what you are saying. We had an appointment with my daughter's social worker today and I basically told my daughter exactly what you are saying.
Life isn't fair, but at some point they have to want to get better and start digging themselves out of the hole. Sometimes I feel like we aren't making any progress because we are always making excuses for her and her "depression". The fear of her hurting herself is always on our minds.
Like your daughter, mine has had a lot of exceptions made for her at school. She has been able to be exempt from exams this week, which is a good thing, because she would have bombed because her meds do make her tired and she is not able to concentrate. I think that she would have been even more upset after exams, knowing that she would have failed them.
She has been off school for a week and she hasn't even opened her backpack. She refuses to let me even talk about school or cleaning her room or anything that causes her stress.
She seems to be able to socialize just fine with her friends and do all the things that make her happy, so I am going to start imposing some rules. I am tired of giving and her not giving anything back. We have made all sorts of excuses, but now I am going to try to take back some of the power.
She finds school a huge stress, however she puts no effort into it. Maybe once she makes an effort she can stay on top of things.
The social worker suggested that she look at this new semester as a new start, just like starting back to school in the fall. I think that is a great idea. She is out tonight at a sleepover, and I am cleaning her room, which is something she hasn't let me do in a year. I am throwing out all the junk that clutters up her room and hopefully it will make a difference, once she gets over her anger at me cleaning.
Good luck to you and your daughter, I agree this is exhausting, but definately worthwhile. I am learning that some of this has to do with the way that I parent her, perhaps me changing can help her. Who knows.
Thanks again for your blog, I so look forward to reading it each day!
hugs!
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