February 28, 2006

Well, yesterday was certainly a cranky day - for everybody, myself included. Yeesh! I don't know what got into us all, but it wasn't pleasant. Nerves were raw, tempers were short, patience was thin. I sure hope today is better.

February 27, 2006

I have been a bit out of the loop lately, haven't I? My February headache has been worse than normal this last week.

My daughter's moods have been up and down this week. Not as drastic and dramatically as before - more like normal teenaged moodswings. I colored my hair (purple & nectarine-y) and she really loves it. She said, "It really makes you look younger, Mom. And you looked pretty young before." That made me smile. The next day, she was all pissy because she could only spend a few hours with her boyfriend instead of every waking breath. Then she was giddy about going to a movie with him, but upset that we had fish for dinner and he doesn't like fish. Gaaah! The nice thing about it all, tho', is that her reactions are normal. She didn't swear or scream or threaten ... she just pouted. That's it.

February 21, 2006

She's been a little down - sad, almost - the last couple of days. Of course, she perks right up as soon as her boyfriend calls or comes over. I'm sure most of that is normal teen love and hormones, but it still worries me a little. We're going to keep an cautious eye on her, just the same.

She left her clarinet home today - normal thing for her to do. Aggravating, but normal. But instead of chewing me out for it and demanding that I bring it to her at school NOW, she laughed at herself and asked if I'd please bring it to her next time I'm out and about. Wow.



Me? I'm back to not sleeping so good the last couple of nights. I don't know why. I think I'm just still waiting to see if things are going to continue improving or if we're gearing up for a big set-back. I really do hope things keep improving, but I'm not so naive as to think we're done with the hard stuff. I still have a very hard time trusting her. I'm trying to, but it's so hard. I know it's going to take time and I'm going to have to risk disappointment, but ... oh, geez. I don't like this feeling. Not one bit. But things are still so much better than they were even two months ago. I just need to trust that ... and trust that it will continue to get better each day.

February 20, 2006

It was a fairly normal weekend. Assuming this is normal, anyway. No major outbursts. No giant arguments. We spent some pleasant time together as a family. Homework got done. So did some chores. But something just seems ... off. I can't quite put a finger on it. Maybe it's just my paranoia waiting for that shoe to fall. I hope that's all it is. But I read her blog this morning. It sounded so sad and lonely. Maybe it's because she was only able to see her boyfriend for a few hours yesterday, but I don't think that's it. They spent most of Saturday together. I don't know. Maybe I'm just worrying needlessly. I hope that's all it is.

February 17, 2006

I am continuing to be amazed at these changes in my daughter. She's so much more relaxed and open with us. And friendly. It's really amazing. I'm not quite sure I trust it yet, but I know full trust is still a ways off and something I'm working on giving ... and she's working on earning.

Her therapy went well yesterday. I think we're all going to like this lady. She's very no-nonsense, but compassionate. I think that will be a good combination for my daughter. She even almost said as much.

February 16, 2006

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkk!!!!!!

The pill! She wants to talk about going on the pill! Why, oh why can't I be an ostrich right now so I can just bury my head in the sand and hide until this danger is passed. Aaaarrrgggghhhh!!!
The saner part of me knows that I should be happy that she trusts me enough to come to me with this, that I should be thankful that at least they want to be safe and careful about things, but the mom part of me just wants to scream, "Nooooo! You're too young! Not my baby! No!" My whole world is spinning like crazy right now. Gah! I had the hardest time trying to remain calm and controlled and honest and open with her about this. I talked with my husband about it - he feels the same turmoil. She knows that we need to all sit down and talk about it in depth before doctor appointments are made. She's okay with that. She's being very mature about it. I, however, need a drink. A very stiff drink.

She has her first appointment with her outpatient therapist today. This should be interesting. This lady is a non-nonsense kind of therapist - rather like Dr. Phil in a way - and has no problem calling bullshit on bullshit. I think she will be good for my daughter. My daughter, however, disagrees. At least, for now she does.

February 15, 2006

The changes she's making continue to amaze me and impress me. Yesterday's mood got a little iffy, but she pulled herself back in. Again. In fact, I think she did better at it than I did yesterday (migraines tend to make me extra cranky). Brava for her! She even came home from her Valentine's date with her boyfriend ON TIME! Hooray!

Things are so much calmer around here lately. I've even been sleeping through the night again - good sleep - and that is so incredibly nice. The trust is rebuilding ... slowly, but it's getting there. I don't worry so much about her online time, but boy is it still hard to let her out of my sight for any length of time. I know, with hard work on both our parts, that the trust will come fully back. It's just going to take time. And patience.

February 14, 2006

Happy Valentine's Day!

Today is her first real full day back at school. She was officially discharged from treatment yesterday. Now comes the real test ... How will she react to life back in the real world? She's nervous, anxious, excited - all the emotions you'd expect - but she seems determined to make it all work. I think, together, we can.

February 13, 2006

Today is her discharge day. Hooray! We'll have our final session this afternoon and begin the discharge process. I have no idea what is going to be involved with that. I'm assuming we'll get an out-patient therapist and psychiatrist so she can continue her meds and the wonderful progress she has made. We're all very excited and a little bit nervous about it.

This was a fabulous weekend. We even went dress shopping together ... and had FUN! We both spent way too much money, but it was worth every cent to be with her and laugh with her. Last night as were watching the Olympics, she decided that Shawn White (snowboarder) is pretty cute so she went over to the computer and googled a picture of him which she turned into wallpaper for her profile. She changed her wallpaper from one depicting torture and gore to one of a cute, smiling snowboarder! I'm still in shock. Hooray for a (mostly) normal teenager!

February10, 2006

I think she's actually learned something in treatment. My husband overheard her on the phone last night talking to friends about where she's been this last month and what she's been doing and learning. He said it all sounded very positive. She seems almost ... I can't think of the right word to describe it ... there? Almost there. She's beginning to recognize that she has all these new tools to get along in the world, and she's almost accepting of them. This is very exciting. We've had some pretty interesting and enjoyable conversations the past couple of days. And she wants to go shopping for a dress together. I told her I'm planning on taking at least a month off from the theater to get my own head together. She seems almost relieved about that, too.

I know there's a lot of "almost" right now. But I like "almost" ... it means we're heading in the right direction and have so much wonderfulness to look forward to and anticipate.

February 9, 2006

Still moving forward. Yesterday got a little iffy, but she managed to pull it out by the time the evening rolled around. She's a little nervous about returning to regular school, but I'm pretty sure she'll manage that just fine, too. She's a lot a stronger now than she gives herself credit for.

She rode home with her dad yesterday so they could have some alone talk time. I don't know for sure what they talked about, but it must have been productive because they were both in a good mood when they got home.

She's transitioning to regular school again today and tomorrow. Hopefully it will all go well for her and she'll be happy to see her friends again ... and they her.

Here's to new beginnings!

February 8, 2006

Still doing good. Wow. Yesterday she was a little down - not much, just a little - tired, moody, etc., but she didn't let it get out of control. She went to a basketball game last night and played in the pep band ... and came home 20 minutes before curfew. Smiling. This morning, she dragged out of bed and got ready for her day ... without grumbling. This change is something else! She's acting like a normal teen.

We have another family session today and we'll most likely be discussing the probability of her discharge. If things keep progressing like this, I see no reason why not. I know they are very excited to have her back at school full time. And I know she's anxious for it, as well.

February 7, 2006

I cannot believe the change in her these last few days. She actually laughs and smiles and giggles and helps and says funny, nice things. It's refreshing! Even if things aren't going the way she thinks they should. Instead of just reacting and blowing things all out of proportion, she stops and thinks about it for a second and responds calmly ... even with a sense of humour. Wow. Just wow.

Things are looking pretty good for her discharge from treatment this week - we're looking at Monday. She'll transition again Thursday and Friday and if things go well at school and at home for the weekend, she'll most likely be discharged Monday afternoon. Hooray! And Yikes! But mostly Hooray!

February 6, 2006

What a fantastic weekend! If only they could all be like this ... minus my headache.

She was in a great mood all weekend long - laughing, joking, playing. It was wonderful. She spent Saturday with her boyfriend's mom getting pedicures then watching movies with her boyfriend. Sunday she went to church with him, then he came over and spent the rest of the day with us watching the Superbowl and eating way too much junk food. She even did the dishes without being asked. And sang while she did them. Amazing.

As much as I loved this weekend, there is a part of me - a huge part - that doesn't trust it. I wish I could just take it at face value, but I'm so sure that there will be an equally ugly, angry, unpleasant time to come. Soon. Until then, I guess, I'll just allow myself to enjoy this wonderful energy.

February 3, 2006

Transition went relatively well yesterday. No huge stresses. And family group was good - on self-esteem. It prompted some good conversation. I'm still very distrustful of a lot of what she says and does, but I'm trying. And I think she is, too. It's hard to tell sometimes.

Today is a full day of school for her. Hopefully it will go well. I've got my fingers crossed.

February 2, 2006

The therapist said the family session was good yesterday and that we are making great progress. I wish I could see it. She's still blaming me for everything that's wrong in the world. She's still picking fights with me just to pick the fights. She insults me. She dismisses me. She belittles me. And then she gets mad and screams and cries when someone - anyone - points out to her that it's not okay to treat me that way. She says she doesn't respect me because I'm intellectually inferior. She doesn't care what I have to say about anything. She says she can't stand to be in the same room with me. She wishes I would just go away.

The therapist asked how hearing all this makes me feel. At the time the only words I could come up with were "belittled," "dismissed," "unwanted," etc. It wasn't until last night that I was actually able to identify the feeling. It's the exact same feeling I'd have when my ex-husband - her biological father - would physically abuse me. Each word was like being kicked in the back. I'd find myself emotionally reliving that nightmare - again and again and again. It's hard. It's so hard.

She's supposed to be starting transition back to regular school today. Unfortunately, her school is having testing this morning so she can't go in until later. So she's downstairs in her room avoiding me until it's time to go. I hate this.

February 1, 2006

Blargh! If I hear the words "industrial" or "piercing" one more time, I may just start screaming and never stop.
She had a big ol' meltdown yesterday on the way home from treatment because I refuse to sign consent for her to get an industrial piercing. Now, it's not that I'm not cool or anything. For a mom, I think I'm pretty cool ... and she'll usually agree. It's that she has this history of cutting and self-harming and body mutilating. Granted, it is just an ear cartilage piercing that she wants and is really no big deal in and of itself and probably would look pretty cool. It's the self-harm and pain enjoyment and other issues. If it weren't for that ... and the threats of, "If you don't sign permission for me to do it in a piercing parlor, I'll just do it myself ... or cut because I'm not getting my way" and the promise of, "Then when I'm 18 I'll get the facial piercings that I really want" - I might consider it.
Guess we'll have a lot to talk about in family session today, huh?