February 2, 2006

The therapist said the family session was good yesterday and that we are making great progress. I wish I could see it. She's still blaming me for everything that's wrong in the world. She's still picking fights with me just to pick the fights. She insults me. She dismisses me. She belittles me. And then she gets mad and screams and cries when someone - anyone - points out to her that it's not okay to treat me that way. She says she doesn't respect me because I'm intellectually inferior. She doesn't care what I have to say about anything. She says she can't stand to be in the same room with me. She wishes I would just go away.

The therapist asked how hearing all this makes me feel. At the time the only words I could come up with were "belittled," "dismissed," "unwanted," etc. It wasn't until last night that I was actually able to identify the feeling. It's the exact same feeling I'd have when my ex-husband - her biological father - would physically abuse me. Each word was like being kicked in the back. I'd find myself emotionally reliving that nightmare - again and again and again. It's hard. It's so hard.

She's supposed to be starting transition back to regular school today. Unfortunately, her school is having testing this morning so she can't go in until later. So she's downstairs in her room avoiding me until it's time to go. I hate this.