March 27, 2006

She's home! She's been gone most of the week on tour with her high school band, orchestra and symphony. They went to Anaheim and returned home yesterday afternoon. I missed her so much. We all did. It's always been difficult to let her go on tour each year, but this year was especially so. But she made it home safely with no relapses ... and she had a great time.

Now that she's home, she's raring to get a job. She's volunteering again at a local community theatre doing lights and is hoping to find employment again, soon, too. I think she'd prefer to find something theatrical-tech related, but she might just consider retail again, too. We'll see. For now, it's just so good to have my daughter back. I love her so much.

March 20, 2006

The Spring Equinox - equal hours of light and darkness. From here on out, the daylight will last longer and longer each day. I'm taking this as a good omen.

Yesterday was a very good day, all in all. Our oldest went to church with her boyfriend and had a pleasant time there. She came home in a good mood - smiling and happy. We all had an enjoyable dinner together. After the table was cleared, she started playing with her younger siblings - laughing and squealing and tickling and having fun. It was an incredible thing to see. Then my husband and I had some errands to run. When we returned home, we found her sitting at the computer ... with her little brother ... helping him with his history fair homework. We almost cried.

What an amazingly good day it was!

March 17, 2006

Well, that swing's over. Good. She apologized for it and said she even talked to her therapist about it. That, I think, is progress. Great progress.

March 15, 2006

I spent some time last evening sitting at the table with my head in my hands, crying. It was a long afternoon. All the old fears and animosities reared their ugly heads. It makes me - us - wonder if she hasn't been spitting her meds out once our backs are turned. We're going to have to go back to watching her actually take them and check her mouth to make sure she's swallowed them.

This morning she was better with my husband at least. He said they talked and laughed at the gym and all the way to school this morning. He said she even acknowledged and apologized for her behavior yesterday. I wish I could say that makes things better and easier for me to take.

March 14, 2006

She's been really moody. Turns out she's relapsed a bit. She got super depressed the other night and tried to cut with a dull exacto blade. She did say that it didn't work for her like it used to, so I guess that's progress. I guess. I just wish it would all go away - the depression, the cutting, the anger, all of it.

Last night was rough. All she wanted to do was IM late into the night. We made her log off about 11pm and go to bed. I'm not sure how late she stayed awake in her room. This morning she had a very difficult time waking up. She didn't get out of bed until 5 minutes before it was time to walk out the door. This, of course, set the whole morning off kilter for all of us. It looks like we're going to have to restrict some priviledges - probably recreational computer time and television viewing.

Her new med management shrink is a nice lady, at least. She's an older grandma type, but she seems very cool. She's Cherokee, comes from line of medicine women, and holds a PhD and an APRN. She believes in taking both a traditional western and a holistic approach to medical treatment. This falls right in line with our beliefs. Our daughter will continue on with the Prozac but add a GABBA compound to it. Our collective hope is to someday be able to have her live life without the pharmacueticals. We'll see.

March 13, 2006

The changes in our daughter continue to manifest. She's still fighting the mood swings, but she sees them now ... and they are nowhere near as intense as they were. She is learning to take control of herself and to recognize when she needs a little help. Yesterday she did the dishes - without being asked - and actually started the dishwasher. She hand washed the pans and got them put away. Then she came in to me and told me she was feeling a little off-centered and didn't feel comfortable around the knives, so would I mind washing them for her. Wow. I said yes, and she sat down and started doing her homework. Wow.

She has her first appointment with the new doctor today for her med management this afternoon. I am very optimistic about it. I think she has been doing absolutely wonderful. As far as I know, the only issue she has is that she feels tired all the time and thinks it might be the meds. We'll see what the doctor says.

March 6, 2006

It was a good weekend. Our extended family expanded by one on Friday when my sister-in-law gave birth to a beautiful baby boy making me an aunt, my husband an uncle and our kids cousins for the very first time. On Saturday we went with our oldest to the University for "Preview Day," giving her an idea about directions to take at college. It was a really informative and fun time. And yesterday we all went to a Brazillian rodizio and ate way entirely too much food and had a fabulous amount of fun together.

And her Biotech grade is up. Hooray! Things really are looking so much better these days. She gets pouty and bitchy and moody - so do I - but it's not a crisis. She's not cutting. She's not toking. It's all still good. She even lets an occassional "I love you" slip out my direction. It's nice to have my daughter back, even just a little bit.

March 2, 2006

Here I've been the last couple weeks, being very impressed with all the hard work she's been putting into school and getting her homework done and her grades up. Silly me. I just checked her grades ... she hasn't been turning anything in. Argh! I suppose I should be glad that she's not home right now or I'd tear into her bigtime about it and that just wouldn't do anybody any good. What the hell is she doing? I could just bang my head against the wall, I'm so frustrated by this.


Must. Calm. Down.