A Mother's Tale

April 19, 2007

2007-04-19T10:55:00.000-06:00

I am losing my mind. I thought I'd already posted this. Well, I will now, I suppose.

She's doing pretty good on her own. She and her friend found a really nice place. They are sharing a 5-bedroom house in a very nice area of town - one of the nicest - with 3 other girls - so that makes 5 girls in all in this house. We couldn't have picked a better arrangement for her had we found it ourselves. She says she's still taking her meds - most of the time - and we seem to all get along better now. Mostly. Of course, I'm not sure if she's still seeing her therapist and psychiatrist like she's supposed to, and that concerns me. But, all I can do now is trust that she will make the right decisions and learn from the bad choices that she will inevitably make. This growing up business is not easy.

Neither is this letting go.

April 2, 2007

2007-04-02T08:42:00.000-06:00

She moved out yesterday. She packed up her car, and moved out. She's gonna be staying with a girlfriend while they look for an apartment together. I kept waiting for her to come home last night & announce "April Fools!" and that it was all just a big prank. But she didn't.
Who knew it would be a physical ache? This is like the first day of first grade times a million.
I know she'll be ok. I know we'll be ok. But right now ... well ... it sucks.

March 31, 2007

2007-03-31T10:43:00.000-06:00

*yawn*
The dogs woke my husband up around 4:00 this morning. He got up to investigate and discovered that our daughter had snuck out of the house, breaking house rules and violating our trust. We text messaged her boyfriend on a hunch and found her over there. She came home & the fighting began.
I think she'll be moving out soon.

March 30, 2007

2007-03-30T08:21:00.000-06:00

I made the decision this past week to go ahead and turn the first year of this blog into a book. It is now available in paperback HERE. I wanted to assure those who have posted comments to the blog all this time that no comments are included. It is just my ramblings and journalings, so no worries.

***********************************************************************************

Now that my daughter is 18, she is wanting more adult-type responsibilities. She wants to be responsible for taking her meds, for getting them refilled, for making and keeping her appointments ... and she's wanting to move out into her own place.
*nervous sigh*
So, we've been letting her. Except for the move out part. She doesn't have the income, yet, for that & it's really frustrating her. She's going to school full-time at the university and just started her second part-time job. This is an important life lesson for her and she's learning it takes a lot more than really wanting a really cool apartment to make it happen.

She's been doing ok with taking her meds & making and keeping her appointments. However, the refill thing is not being as easy as she thought, either. She's been out of her GABA for a few days now. It's at the pharmacy all refilled and ready for her to go pick it up, she just hasn't. Argh! I hope she makes it happen soon. At least the other meds are still onboard & she has been taking them regularly as prescribed.

Last weekend I was certified in Reiki I natural healing. I gave her a treatment last night & she really seemed to enjoy it. It calmed her right down. I hope she'll let this be a regular thing. I really think it will help her a lot. In fact, I know it will.

March 12, 2007

2007-03-12T12:18:00.000-06:00

They changed her meds again. Hooray! She is now taking Lamictal, a medication used to treat Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. She's 2 weeks into it and so far it's being pretty good for her. I hope this means they may have found "the one" that works. *crosses fingers*

February 18, 2007

2007-02-18T12:14:00.000-07:00

Oh, boy, are we not liking the Aderal! We didn't like it when she was on it in junior high, we don't like it now. She's called her psychiatrist and left a message about it. Hopefully we can get it changed before we all go insane. Icky bad stuff! It's like meth in pill form. Horrible horrible horrible! She's bouncing off the walls on it ... that is until it wears off. Then it's crash and burn. She gets grumpy and mouthy and just all around nasty. Do not like the Aderal. Not at all.

February 13, 2007

2007-02-13T08:12:00.000-07:00

She saw her psychiatrist yesterday. Good visit. They've decided to ween her off of the Prozac now. She goes back in 2 weeks to see how she's adjusting to that & may take her completely off it then. They've also put her on a BioProgesterone capsule & Aderal (for ADD) to go along with the progesterone cream & GABBA complex she's already taking. She's happy and very confident about it.

And she starts her new job today as a computer lab tech at the University. Hooray!

January 19, 2007

2007-01-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

She's 18 years old today. An adult. Well, at least legally. Emotionally, it varies. Sometimes she's very mature for her age and really seems to have it all together, other times she's like a petulant 7 year old. But then, aren't we all?

She's come a long way this year. We all have. I think we've hit the highest highs, and I know we've hit the lowest lows. All in all, I believe we are stronger for having survived it.

So ...

Happy Birthday, Sweetness! You are a remarkable young woman. You are strong and resilient. You are beautiful and funny and talented. Your intelligence is astounding. You can be anything and everything you desire. All you have to do is decide ... then DO. The whole world - the whole universe - is there for you, waiting for you to embrace it. You have such an amazing life ahead for you. You will accomplish so much. Your spirit has been through the depths and fires of hell and has now, like Phoenix, arisen from the ashes stronger and more beautiful than ever imagined. You are my hero and I am so proud to be your mother. Thank you for sharing your life with me. I love you.

January 1, 2007

2007-01-01T15:16:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year!

We survived. We made it a whole year. Yay! Last night passed without incident. She spent the evening with her boyfriend & his family & came home on time (or close to it, anyway) - sober & happy. And she's been in a good mood today, too.

I think, although we'll still experience a little wind & rain occassionally, that our storm has passed. It's been a year and we're ok.

Thank God.

December 31, 2006

2006-12-31T10:34:00.000-07:00

*bites nails*

Tonight. It was one year ago tonight that our world fell apart. What an anniversary. We're trusting her to be safe and smart - she will be spending the evening with her boyfriend and his family.

Here's hoping this year is better lived than last!

*raises a glass in toast*

December 15, 2006

2006-12-15T11:38:00.000-07:00

Wow. I totally missed the entired month of November. Gah! Of course, it's been a helluva month full of family health challenges - my uncle was diagnosed with malignant brain cancer and my father-in-law underwent a couple of emergency heart surgeries and almost didn't make it. When it rains it pours, huh?

But ... my daughter is still holding her own. She's been see-sawing emotionally, but nothing terribly dramatic like last year. She'd been forgetting to take her progestine cream and sometimes forgets to take her other meds, so I'm sure that explains a lot of it. And she just survived finals (we've yet to see if she passed them) for her first semester as a college student. She also totalled her car then had the engine blow up on another. That's 2 cars in less than 2 months. I think that would throw anybody into a tailspin.

Still, as I watch her moodswings, I look back at where we were just a year ago and the difference is amazing. I can go downstairs to her room to wake her up and not worry about whether I'll find her alive or not. I can leave her with her younger siblings and not worry about their safety. I can argue with her and recognize it as the normal teenage power struggle that it is and not worry what she'll do in retribution. The stress and fear and worry is so dramatically LESS and the love and trust and hope is so much MORE.

We're closing in the year mark. I admit I'm trepidatious. New Year's Eve isn't my favorite holiday as it is, and last year's events don't do much to make me feel better about it at all. But, I am hopeful that we are past the darkest hour and that her recovery will continue, and that she will keep growing stronger and happier and more sure of herself.

October 24, 2006

2006-10-24T09:23:00.000-06:00

First, let me preface by saying I'm on day 2 of a migraine so I'm far less than nice at the moment. For this, I apologize.

She's back together with her boyfriend. We all know it's more of a "he's familiar & comfortable" thing than a real reconcilliation, but it's her - and his - lesson to learn.

She wrecked her car Friday. Rear-ended a guy on the interstate. Thank God she's ok - that is the most important thing. The guy she rear-ended had a trunk full of automatic weapons. Scary. So now we're trying to figure out some way for her to get a new car as hers is no longer drivable. I'm hoping hers can fixed, but I'm afraid it would cost much more to fix it than it would to just get a new car.

On top of all this, she hasn't been taking her meds very regularly. Some days she doesn't take them at all. This, of course, keeps her levels from remaining balanced and throws her into all kinds of off-kiltered mood swings ... most of which she takes out on me. I know I'm "safe" and all that, but it gets so hard to take all glaring & swearing & nastiness.

Guess that explains the migraine, huh?

October 2, 2006

2006-10-02T14:40:00.000-06:00

She broke up with her boyfriend this weekend. They've been together almost a year. She's sad, but otherwise okay, I think. She's seen it coming for months now. Just the same, I'm glad she has an appointment with her therapist tomorrow. Especially since she seems to be drawn towards the attentions of a married man in one of her classes.

*sigh*

September 17, 2006

2006-09-17T15:37:00.000-06:00

Things are going great again. She is loving college. She even survived one of her worst days ever Friday without relapse. She is learning to really be strong and resilient and self-sufficient. Even our relationship has improved immeasurably.
Maybe it's the new house? The new neighborhood? New beginnings? Whatever it is, I thank God for it.

August 24, 2006

2006-08-24T07:28:00.000-06:00

She had a relapse Tuesday night. I just found out about it last night. I understand why, I guess. At least the triggers make sense - fight with her boyfriend, starting college, moving, etc. And she hasn't been able to see her therapist in weeks - and even she recognizes how much she's needed to see him. She has an appointment with him today. I hope it helps.

It breaks my heart when she does this, but I still see that she is making progress with it. This time it was one cut and she came to us the very next night about it and she is planning on talking to her therapist about it and the reasons/triggers for it. She's not hiding it anymore. I don't mean that she flaunts it, but she talks about it and her stresses and wants to get better and stronger and to stop. This gives me hope for her.

I wish I wasn't one of her triggers. I wish I could ask about her day without her accusing me of being nosy or a nag ... or both. We can talk about sex or spirituality or theology or politics or the supernatural or the price of tea in china, but the minute I ask about work or school or "what's your schedule like," I'm the bad guy again. It frustrates the bejeebies out of me. I'm not trying to be controlling at all. I just want to know what's going with her.

August 23, 2006

2006-08-23T08:02:00.000-06:00

Wow. Just ... wow. She's a college student now. It feels like 1st grade all over again. I spent that day in tears, too. She's all grown up and running headfirst and full-speed towards her future. She wants to be a physicist. She is amazing.

Wow.

July 7, 2006

2006-07-07T09:02:00.000-06:00

I haven't been posting as much lately. This is a good thing. Life here is so ... so ... normal now. My daughter is quite the average teen, now, with average teen drama and reactions. Nothing over the top, no reasons to worry. It's nice. She'll be starting school at the University the end of next month and is really looking forward to it. She just needs to slow down long enough to get registered for her classes. I am very excited for her future.

June 8, 2006

2006-06-08T08:11:00.000-06:00

I am exhausted! It's been a long - but good - week.

My daughter's appointment with the new therapist went well. She really seems to like him and trust him. Enough so, that this time she made 3 appointments in advance. Wow. And she recognizes, now, that she assumes a "therapy attitude" when she goes in as a sort of defense and that she wants to drop that. Wow, again. I think she just might make even greater progress with this guy.

Her high school graduation was Tuesday. She positively glowed! My parents and sister came from out of state to be with us for that. They left yesterday. It's been a crazy, stressful, happy, busy, wonderful week.

May 25, 2006

2006-05-25T13:49:00.000-06:00

Success! I think. She had an appointment with yet another new therapist yesterday ... and actually made a second appointment with him. Hooray! She seems to like this guy ... so far. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

May 19, 2006

2006-05-19T09:22:00.000-06:00

My goodness, it's been a long time since I've blogged here. I suppose that's a good sign - she's making amazing progress ... we're making amazing progress. So much so that I've been able to overbook myself with projects (I'm involved in 2 plays right now - one as an actor, one as assistant vocal director). There are days I just want to bang my head against a wall & scream, "What on earth am I thinking?"

My daughter is now learning the lesson that you can't have a steady, serious boyfriend and date other guys at the same time. Nobody is happy with that arrangement. We tried to warn her, but ... well ... it's a lesson to be learned. And I think she's learning it ok. I think.

Today she is travelling with her school orchestra and symphony to the All-State competition. I'm sure they'll sweep it again this year. They are very good and always do very well in these competitions.

And, on top of everything else, she will be graduating high school in just 2 weeks. Wow! I still remember sitting in Wendy's and sobbing about my baby going into 1st grade and now she is preparing to graduate high school and move on to the University in the fall. And she is so tall and so beautiful and so smart and so talented. Just ... Wow.

April 28, 2006

2006-04-28T10:39:00.000-06:00

My daughter had her first appointment with a new therapist yesterday. After only 30 minutes it was evident this was not a love match. She's decided now that she'd be more comfortable with a male therapist because she doesn't trust women. Gah! Back to the drawing board ... and the PPO list.

At least her meds all still seem to be working. Her moods are a lot more level than what they were 5 months ago.

April 14, 2006

2006-04-14T13:05:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, she and her therapist decided that they are not a good fit. Argh! So, now we get to go therapist shopping again and start all over from square one. I just don't think she realizes that every therapist she talks to is going to expect her to talk about and work on certain things that she doesn't want to face or admit. I could just scream. My patience is worn so thin today ... ugh!

April 10, 2006

2006-04-10T08:21:00.000-06:00

We got the results back on the blood her shrink had drawn last month. It turns out her hormones are waaaaaay out of balance, her estrogen levels being extremely high and her progesterone very low. So, along with the prozac and the GABBA she has added a progesterone cream twice a day. She started on it Friday and so far so good. The doctor seems to think that if we can get her hormones leveled out that we might stand a very good chance of taking her off the prozac eventually. That would be so nice. I guess we'll see.

And it looks like she and her boyfriend are trying work their way through things. I wish them luck.

April 6, 2006

2006-04-06T08:18:00.000-06:00

What a week. When it rains, it pours, huh? Looking out the window at the snow coming down right now, I think that statement is more literal than actually meant.
It's been a week of many ups and downs. My daughter has been in a really good place most of the week. She's started working out at the gym, even dragging her father or I along. She really seems to enjoy being our "personal trainer." I've been very thankful for her good mood and willingness to help out this week. She and I have been the only ones not sick. We've had one case of strep, one case of bronchitis, two cases of pneumonia and one cancer scare - all in one week. Zowie! And just as it seems people are starting to get well, she had a bad night. She and her boyfriend have been discussing religion, spirituality, and human rights and she is finding that they have very different views. She believes everybody has the right to believe what they will. He believes his is the only right view. She's afraid she's falling out of love with him. And it hurts her. She cried all night. This is going to be a very challenging time for her to get through. I hope she's strong enough now, and remembers to use the tools she's learned.

March 27, 2006

2006-03-27T08:33:00.000-07:00

She's home! She's been gone most of the week on tour with her high school band, orchestra and symphony. They went to Anaheim and returned home yesterday afternoon. I missed her so much. We all did. It's always been difficult to let her go on tour each year, but this year was especially so. But she made it home safely with no relapses ... and she had a great time.

Now that she's home, she's raring to get a job. She's volunteering again at a local community theatre doing lights and is hoping to find employment again, soon, too. I think she'd prefer to find something theatrical-tech related, but she might just consider retail again, too. We'll see. For now, it's just so good to have my daughter back. I love her so much.

March 20, 2006

2006-03-20T09:20:00.000-07:00

The Spring Equinox - equal hours of light and darkness. From here on out, the daylight will last longer and longer each day. I'm taking this as a good omen.

Yesterday was a very good day, all in all. Our oldest went to church with her boyfriend and had a pleasant time there. She came home in a good mood - smiling and happy. We all had an enjoyable dinner together. After the table was cleared, she started playing with her younger siblings - laughing and squealing and tickling and having fun. It was an incredible thing to see. Then my husband and I had some errands to run. When we returned home, we found her sitting at the computer ... with her little brother ... helping him with his history fair homework. We almost cried.

What an amazingly good day it was!

March 17, 2006

2006-03-17T12:50:00.000-07:00

Well, that swing's over. Good. She apologized for it and said she even talked to her therapist about it. That, I think, is progress. Great progress.

March 15, 2006

2006-03-15T08:29:00.000-07:00

I spent some time last evening sitting at the table with my head in my hands, crying. It was a long afternoon. All the old fears and animosities reared their ugly heads. It makes me - us - wonder if she hasn't been spitting her meds out once our backs are turned. We're going to have to go back to watching her actually take them and check her mouth to make sure she's swallowed them.

This morning she was better with my husband at least. He said they talked and laughed at the gym and all the way to school this morning. He said she even acknowledged and apologized for her behavior yesterday. I wish I could say that makes things better and easier for me to take.

March 14, 2006

2006-03-14T08:18:00.000-07:00

She's been really moody. Turns out she's relapsed a bit. She got super depressed the other night and tried to cut with a dull exacto blade. She did say that it didn't work for her like it used to, so I guess that's progress. I guess. I just wish it would all go away - the depression, the cutting, the anger, all of it.

Last night was rough. All she wanted to do was IM late into the night. We made her log off about 11pm and go to bed. I'm not sure how late she stayed awake in her room. This morning she had a very difficult time waking up. She didn't get out of bed until 5 minutes before it was time to walk out the door. This, of course, set the whole morning off kilter for all of us. It looks like we're going to have to restrict some priviledges - probably recreational computer time and television viewing.

Her new med management shrink is a nice lady, at least. She's an older grandma type, but she seems very cool. She's Cherokee, comes from line of medicine women, and holds a PhD and an APRN. She believes in taking both a traditional western and a holistic approach to medical treatment. This falls right in line with our beliefs. Our daughter will continue on with the Prozac but add a GABBA compound to it. Our collective hope is to someday be able to have her live life without the pharmacueticals. We'll see.

March 13, 2006

2006-03-13T09:24:00.000-07:00

The changes in our daughter continue to manifest. She's still fighting the mood swings, but she sees them now ... and they are nowhere near as intense as they were. She is learning to take control of herself and to recognize when she needs a little help. Yesterday she did the dishes - without being asked - and actually started the dishwasher. She hand washed the pans and got them put away. Then she came in to me and told me she was feeling a little off-centered and didn't feel comfortable around the knives, so would I mind washing them for her. Wow. I said yes, and she sat down and started doing her homework. Wow.

She has her first appointment with the new doctor today for her med management this afternoon. I am very optimistic about it. I think she has been doing absolutely wonderful. As far as I know, the only issue she has is that she feels tired all the time and thinks it might be the meds. We'll see what the doctor says.

March 6, 2006

2006-03-06T16:22:00.000-07:00

It was a good weekend. Our extended family expanded by one on Friday when my sister-in-law gave birth to a beautiful baby boy making me an aunt, my husband an uncle and our kids cousins for the very first time. On Saturday we went with our oldest to the University for "Preview Day," giving her an idea about directions to take at college. It was a really informative and fun time. And yesterday we all went to a Brazillian rodizio and ate way entirely too much food and had a fabulous amount of fun together.

And her Biotech grade is up. Hooray! Things really are looking so much better these days. She gets pouty and bitchy and moody - so do I - but it's not a crisis. She's not cutting. She's not toking. It's all still good. She even lets an occassional "I love you" slip out my direction. It's nice to have my daughter back, even just a little bit.

March 2, 2006

2006-03-02T09:34:00.000-07:00

Here I've been the last couple weeks, being very impressed with all the hard work she's been putting into school and getting her homework done and her grades up. Silly me. I just checked her grades ... she hasn't been turning anything in. Argh! I suppose I should be glad that she's not home right now or I'd tear into her bigtime about it and that just wouldn't do anybody any good. What the hell is she doing? I could just bang my head against the wall, I'm so frustrated by this.

Must. Calm. Down.

February 28, 2006

2006-02-28T08:21:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday was certainly a cranky day - for everybody, myself included. Yeesh! I don't know what got into us all, but it wasn't pleasant. Nerves were raw, tempers were short, patience was thin. I sure hope today is better.

February 27, 2006

2006-02-27T08:19:00.000-07:00

I have been a bit out of the loop lately, haven't I? My February headache has been worse than normal this last week.

My daughter's moods have been up and down this week. Not as drastic and dramatically as before - more like normal teenaged moodswings. I colored my hair (purple & nectarine-y) and she really loves it. She said, "It really makes you look younger, Mom. And you looked pretty young before." That made me smile. The next day, she was all pissy because she could only spend a few hours with her boyfriend instead of every waking breath. Then she was giddy about going to a movie with him, but upset that we had fish for dinner and he doesn't like fish. Gaaah! The nice thing about it all, tho', is that her reactions are normal. She didn't swear or scream or threaten ... she just pouted. That's it.

February 21, 2006

2006-02-21T08:37:00.000-07:00

She's been a little down - sad, almost - the last couple of days. Of course, she perks right up as soon as her boyfriend calls or comes over. I'm sure most of that is normal teen love and hormones, but it still worries me a little. We're going to keep an cautious eye on her, just the same.

She left her clarinet home today - normal thing for her to do. Aggravating, but normal. But instead of chewing me out for it and demanding that I bring it to her at school NOW, she laughed at herself and asked if I'd please bring it to her next time I'm out and about. Wow.

Me? I'm back to not sleeping so good the last couple of nights. I don't know why. I think I'm just still waiting to see if things are going to continue improving or if we're gearing up for a big set-back. I really do hope things keep improving, but I'm not so naive as to think we're done with the hard stuff. I still have a very hard time trusting her. I'm trying to, but it's so hard. I know it's going to take time and I'm going to have to risk disappointment, but ... oh, geez. I don't like this feeling. Not one bit. But things are still so much better than they were even two months ago. I just need to trust that ... and trust that it will continue to get better each day.

February 20, 2006

2006-02-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

It was a fairly normal weekend. Assuming this is normal, anyway. No major outbursts. No giant arguments. We spent some pleasant time together as a family. Homework got done. So did some chores. But something just seems ... off. I can't quite put a finger on it. Maybe it's just my paranoia waiting for that shoe to fall. I hope that's all it is. But I read her blog this morning. It sounded so sad and lonely. Maybe it's because she was only able to see her boyfriend for a few hours yesterday, but I don't think that's it. They spent most of Saturday together. I don't know. Maybe I'm just worrying needlessly. I hope that's all it is.

February 17, 2006

2006-02-17T08:21:00.000-07:00

I am continuing to be amazed at these changes in my daughter. She's so much more relaxed and open with us. And friendly. It's really amazing. I'm not quite sure I trust it yet, but I know full trust is still a ways off and something I'm working on giving ... and she's working on earning.

Her therapy went well yesterday. I think we're all going to like this lady. She's very no-nonsense, but compassionate. I think that will be a good combination for my daughter. She even almost said as much.

February 16, 2006

2006-02-16T08:22:00.000-07:00

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkk!!!!!!

The pill! She wants to talk about going on the pill! Why, oh why can't I be an ostrich right now so I can just bury my head in the sand and hide until this danger is passed. Aaaarrrgggghhhh!!!
The saner part of me knows that I should be happy that she trusts me enough to come to me with this, that I should be thankful that at least they want to be safe and careful about things, but the mom part of me just wants to scream, "Nooooo! You're too young! Not my baby! No!" My whole world is spinning like crazy right now. Gah! I had the hardest time trying to remain calm and controlled and honest and open with her about this. I talked with my husband about it - he feels the same turmoil. She knows that we need to all sit down and talk about it in depth before doctor appointments are made. She's okay with that. She's being very mature about it. I, however, need a drink. A very stiff drink.

She has her first appointment with her outpatient therapist today. This should be interesting. This lady is a non-nonsense kind of therapist - rather like Dr. Phil in a way - and has no problem calling bullshit on bullshit. I think she will be good for my daughter. My daughter, however, disagrees. At least, for now she does.

February 15, 2006

2006-02-15T08:36:00.000-07:00

The changes she's making continue to amaze me and impress me. Yesterday's mood got a little iffy, but she pulled herself back in. Again. In fact, I think she did better at it than I did yesterday (migraines tend to make me extra cranky). Brava for her! She even came home from her Valentine's date with her boyfriend ON TIME! Hooray!

Things are so much calmer around here lately. I've even been sleeping through the night again - good sleep - and that is so incredibly nice. The trust is rebuilding ... slowly, but it's getting there. I don't worry so much about her online time, but boy is it still hard to let her out of my sight for any length of time. I know, with hard work on both our parts, that the trust will come fully back. It's just going to take time. And patience.

February 14, 2006

2006-02-14T08:13:00.000-07:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

Today is her first real full day back at school. She was officially discharged from treatment yesterday. Now comes the real test ... How will she react to life back in the real world? She's nervous, anxious, excited - all the emotions you'd expect - but she seems determined to make it all work. I think, together, we can.

February 13, 2006

2006-02-13T08:09:00.000-07:00

Today is her discharge day. Hooray! We'll have our final session this afternoon and begin the discharge process. I have no idea what is going to be involved with that. I'm assuming we'll get an out-patient therapist and psychiatrist so she can continue her meds and the wonderful progress she has made. We're all very excited and a little bit nervous about it.

This was a fabulous weekend. We even went dress shopping together ... and had FUN! We both spent way too much money, but it was worth every cent to be with her and laugh with her. Last night as were watching the Olympics, she decided that Shawn White (snowboarder) is pretty cute so she went over to the computer and googled a picture of him which she turned into wallpaper for her profile. She changed her wallpaper from one depicting torture and gore to one of a cute, smiling snowboarder! I'm still in shock. Hooray for a (mostly) normal teenager!

February10, 2006

2006-02-10T08:31:00.000-07:00

I think she's actually learned something in treatment. My husband overheard her on the phone last night talking to friends about where she's been this last month and what she's been doing and learning. He said it all sounded very positive. She seems almost ... I can't think of the right word to describe it ... there? Almost there. She's beginning to recognize that she has all these new tools to get along in the world, and she's almost accepting of them. This is very exciting. We've had some pretty interesting and enjoyable conversations the past couple of days. And she wants to go shopping for a dress together. I told her I'm planning on taking at least a month off from the theater to get my own head together. She seems almost relieved about that, too.

I know there's a lot of "almost" right now. But I like "almost" ... it means we're heading in the right direction and have so much wonderfulness to look forward to and anticipate.

February 9, 2006

2006-02-09T08:20:00.000-07:00

Still moving forward. Yesterday got a little iffy, but she managed to pull it out by the time the evening rolled around. She's a little nervous about returning to regular school, but I'm pretty sure she'll manage that just fine, too. She's a lot a stronger now than she gives herself credit for.

She rode home with her dad yesterday so they could have some alone talk time. I don't know for sure what they talked about, but it must have been productive because they were both in a good mood when they got home.

She's transitioning to regular school again today and tomorrow. Hopefully it will all go well for her and she'll be happy to see her friends again ... and they her.

Here's to new beginnings!

February 8, 2006

2006-02-08T08:18:00.000-07:00

Still doing good. Wow. Yesterday she was a little down - not much, just a little - tired, moody, etc., but she didn't let it get out of control. She went to a basketball game last night and played in the pep band ... and came home 20 minutes before curfew. Smiling. This morning, she dragged out of bed and got ready for her day ... without grumbling. This change is something else! She's acting like a normal teen.

We have another family session today and we'll most likely be discussing the probability of her discharge. If things keep progressing like this, I see no reason why not. I know they are very excited to have her back at school full time. And I know she's anxious for it, as well.

February 7, 2006

2006-02-07T08:16:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe the change in her these last few days. She actually laughs and smiles and giggles and helps and says funny, nice things. It's refreshing! Even if things aren't going the way she thinks they should. Instead of just reacting and blowing things all out of proportion, she stops and thinks about it for a second and responds calmly ... even with a sense of humour. Wow. Just wow.

Things are looking pretty good for her discharge from treatment this week - we're looking at Monday. She'll transition again Thursday and Friday and if things go well at school and at home for the weekend, she'll most likely be discharged Monday afternoon. Hooray! And Yikes! But mostly Hooray!

February 6, 2006

2006-02-06T08:20:00.000-07:00

What a fantastic weekend! If only they could all be like this ... minus my headache.

She was in a great mood all weekend long - laughing, joking, playing. It was wonderful. She spent Saturday with her boyfriend's mom getting pedicures then watching movies with her boyfriend. Sunday she went to church with him, then he came over and spent the rest of the day with us watching the Superbowl and eating way too much junk food. She even did the dishes without being asked. And sang while she did them. Amazing.

As much as I loved this weekend, there is a part of me - a huge part - that doesn't trust it. I wish I could just take it at face value, but I'm so sure that there will be an equally ugly, angry, unpleasant time to come. Soon. Until then, I guess, I'll just allow myself to enjoy this wonderful energy.

February 3, 2006

2006-02-03T08:17:00.000-07:00

Transition went relatively well yesterday. No huge stresses. And family group was good - on self-esteem. It prompted some good conversation. I'm still very distrustful of a lot of what she says and does, but I'm trying. And I think she is, too. It's hard to tell sometimes.

Today is a full day of school for her. Hopefully it will go well. I've got my fingers crossed.

February 2, 2006

2006-02-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

The therapist said the family session was good yesterday and that we are making great progress. I wish I could see it. She's still blaming me for everything that's wrong in the world. She's still picking fights with me just to pick the fights. She insults me. She dismisses me. She belittles me. And then she gets mad and screams and cries when someone - anyone - points out to her that it's not okay to treat me that way. She says she doesn't respect me because I'm intellectually inferior. She doesn't care what I have to say about anything. She says she can't stand to be in the same room with me. She wishes I would just go away.

The therapist asked how hearing all this makes me feel. At the time the only words I could come up with were "belittled," "dismissed," "unwanted," etc. It wasn't until last night that I was actually able to identify the feeling. It's the exact same feeling I'd have when my ex-husband - her biological father - would physically abuse me. Each word was like being kicked in the back. I'd find myself emotionally reliving that nightmare - again and again and again. It's hard. It's so hard.

She's supposed to be starting transition back to regular school today. Unfortunately, her school is having testing this morning so she can't go in until later. So she's downstairs in her room avoiding me until it's time to go. I hate this.

February 1, 2006

2006-02-01T08:20:00.000-07:00

Blargh! If I hear the words "industrial" or "piercing" one more time, I may just start screaming and never stop.
She had a big ol' meltdown yesterday on the way home from treatment because I refuse to sign consent for her to get an industrial piercing. Now, it's not that I'm not cool or anything. For a mom, I think I'm pretty cool ... and she'll usually agree. It's that she has this history of cutting and self-harming and body mutilating. Granted, it is just an ear cartilage piercing that she wants and is really no big deal in and of itself and probably would look pretty cool. It's the self-harm and pain enjoyment and other issues. If it weren't for that ... and the threats of, "If you don't sign permission for me to do it in a piercing parlor, I'll just do it myself ... or cut because I'm not getting my way" and the promise of, "Then when I'm 18 I'll get the facial piercings that I really want" - I might consider it.
Guess we'll have a lot to talk about in family session today, huh?

January 31, 2006

2006-01-31T08:13:00.000-07:00

I think we're actually making some progress. Family session was good yesterday. She got a little sulky during and afterward, but she didn't let it control her. She actually pulled herself out of it and managed conversation and consideration. It was ... mature. Very mature. Hooray! And now they are back to discussing the possibility of transitioning her back into school - and she's excited about it. She might even start the transitioning tomorrow. That would be fabulous!

As for me, I'm trying really hard to accept things for what they are. It's been so many years of extreme ups and downs that the ups - while nice - usually make me very anxious because I know that an equally extreme down is coming. I'm trying to just take it one day - one emotion - at a time. Maybe by doing this we can all work together to minimize the extremes and just BE.

January 28, 2006

2006-01-28T13:43:00.000-07:00

Last night my daughter and her boyfriend came to see my show. It's one of her favorites and I am cast as her favorite character in this show, so I was a little nervous (imagine that!) performing it in front of her. She told me, when we returned home, that she loved the show and my performance.

As I was on my way to bed, the following exchange occurred:
"Goodnight, Sweetie."
"Goodnight, Mom."
"I love you."
"I love you, too."

Talk about spinning heads! Wow! That so totally made my whole day, night, week. Amazing.

January 26, 2006

2006-01-26T13:13:00.000-07:00

I know she's sick. I know it's a real illness that she's dealing with. But there are times - especially the last couple of days - that I just want to scream, "Pull the selfish stick out of your ass and grow up already!" Does that make me a bad mom? I feel so guilty for thinking that, but ... ack! It's just so hard! We completely rearrange our schedules and our lives - all of us, even the little ones - to accomodate her and her needs and all we get in return is, "That's not fair." She doesn't even want to get me started on what's not fair. She might get a helluva lot more than she bargains for if I were to get started on that with her. It's not fair that our lives are turned upside down. It's not fair that her teachers have to make special arrangements for her schoolwork. It's not fair that we are putting so many miles on the cars transporting her back and forth to treatment. It's not fair that we have given up our social lives, such as they were, because we don't feel comfortable leaving her alone - or allowing her to babysit the little ones - while we're out. It's not fair that our physical healths are being jeopardized because of the stress we're under dealing with her. It's not fair that we feel like we need to walk on eggshells around her in order to hopefully prevent - or minimize - a confrontation. It's not fair that we are all doing her chores because she refuses to - they still need to be done. It's not fair that she spews venom at anybody who crosses her path - me, her father, her younger siblings - just because she feels like being mean and nasty. It's not fair. But, quite frankly, LIFE is not fair. Not for any of us. It's hard. It very rarely goes as planned. And we almost never get out of it what we had hoped. But at the end of the day, it's all worth it. It's worth every second, every ounce, every breath that we put into it ... and then some. I know it. It has to be.

January 25, 2006

2006-01-25T08:27:00.000-07:00

The eggshells are back ... and we're walking all over them again.

She apparently had a bad day at treatment yesterday. She had to read her nightly goal out loud in CORE group and they called bullshit on most of it. That made her mad. She really just needs to learn to be honest and to take personal responsibility, but she is fighting that so hard. She's still wanting to get an industrial piercing and thinks we are being unreasonable by not allowing it so she is threatening to just do it herself. She's also still insisting that we are overreacting to finding her getting high in her bedroom. She's back to being fascinated with the macabre - or at least putting up the front that she's macabre ... I'm still not sure which. She's cranky and defensive and argumentative. I'm really hoping this is just a last ditch attempt on her part to resist treatment and that she will finally start really seeing what's going on and really start working on changing and really start accepting that she is an incredible person. Hopefully we'll be able to discuss at least most of this in our family session today.

January 24, 2006

2006-01-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

Talked with her psychiatrist & therapist yesterday. They're thinking she may have a sort of borderline psychosis on top of it all that prevents her from focusing her thoughts, making decisions, and taking stands. They want to watch her for a little while longer. It's all pretty confusing to me right now.

January 23, 2006

2006-01-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

The weekend was much better than I had feared. She's very nervous and a little bit scared of the thought of transition, but she's getting accustomed to it. I might even go so far as to say that she is even looking forward to it a bit. We should hear from her "team" today about it.

She went on a date with her boyfriend this weekend - out for sushi and a movie. They were given a 10:30pm curfew. Unfortunately, they were an hour late. That was a bit dissappointing, but at least they took the consequences well and will work towards getting that freedom/privilege back again.

I think she even managed to get all her missing homework assignments completed this weekend and turned them in on her way to treatment this morning. Hooray!

January 21, 2006

2006-01-21T10:37:00.000-07:00

So much for a good night's sleep. My daughter isn't taking the news about a possible transition well. In fact, she's very anxious - maybe a little panicky - at the thought. This worries me because she may cut herself just so they'll put her into inpatient instead of releasing her.

On the other hand, last night she returned a paid of earrings I'd forgotten she borrowed and a nail file I thought I'd lost. Maybe that's a good sign?

January 20, 2006

2006-01-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

Wow! What a difference a week makes. During our family session with the therapist this morning we learned that our daughter's "team" is considering the possibility of her beginning transition back to "the real world" starting as early as next week. This is exciting, but still a bit anxiety provoking. I'm sure it won't be a sudden departure, leaving her to cope with things completely on her own and that it will, instead, be a gradual reintroduction ... but still ... it's scary. I think - hope - that she's learned enough coping skills to make the transition successfully. I'm not naive enough to believe that she'll make it without challenge or slips, but I really really hope that she can make it through those challenges a little easier and stronger than before. And I think - hope - that we are better equipped to help her through those times. Her "team" meets Monday to discuss things - when, how, etc. - and we'll find out for sure on Wednesday.

I think I might actually be able to get a good night's sleep. Wow.

January 19, 2006

2006-01-19T08:46:00.000-07:00

Seventeen years ago today I was given the most amazing gift imaginable. This gift completely changed my life, turning it upside and rearranging everything I thought about everything. Seventeen years ago I became a mother for the very first time. Seventeen years filled with joy, fear, frustration, celebration, laughter, tears, screams, smiles, pride, anger, adoration, giggles, quizzacles, learning, adulation, love.

I cannot even remember the world without her in it.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful, intelligent, talented, witty, incredible daughter!

January 18, 2006

2006-01-18T08:28:00.000-07:00

Yup. It was apparently a miscommunication. Our appointment is today at 12:30. I could have sworn it was Tuesday. Oh, well. What's 2 lost hours?

I think we're still making progress. My daughter was mopey yesterday, but not vicious. She took her math final and finished it with a half-hour to spare. Good for her! Her behavior even earned her some internet time while she did her Government homework. Unfortunately, she was crabby this morning, but then so am I.

I am still just so exhausted. I haven't slept a full night through since before Christmas and it's really starting to play havoc on my body. My nerves are shot. I'm bitchy. And it's taking every ounce of self-control I possess not to fly off the handle at people. Argh!

Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday. She'll be 17. She doesn't want cake and ice-cream. She wants butterscotch pudding - my homemade from scratch butterscotch pudding. It's nice to know I can do something right for her. :-)

January 17, 2006: pt. 2

2006-01-17T14:57:00.000-07:00

We went in for our family session appointment today ... but apparently there was a misunderstanding or something. The therapist was nowhere to be found, even after having her paged several times. We ended up leaving a "please call us to reschedule" note on her door.

*frustrated sigh*

January 17, 2006

2006-01-17T08:15:00.000-07:00

It was a good weekend, especially for a three day-er. She was in a relatively good humor the entire time. We could see little flashes of irritability, but she held herself in check wonderfully. I find this incredibly encouraging and can really see that silver lining now.

She went through a battery of psychological tests last week that we should be going over in today's family session. It will be interesting to see what they show and to learn our next step in her recovery.

January 16, 2006

2006-01-16T07:39:00.000-07:00

Friday night got a little ugly. For some reason she'd decided she wanted to fight and nothing would stop it - not even just leaving the room. But she was past whatever it was by Saturday morning. Once she got that all out of her system, the rest of the weekend was actually quite nice. Her boyfriend came over and spent several hours with us both Saturday and Sunday. That, I think, helped her a lot. It was so very nice to see her smile and hear her laugh.

Today is Martin Luther King Day - a federal holiday - so she'll be home today. All day. My husband has to work, so that leaves just me with the kids. I bounce back and forth being nervous about it and being happy about it - I do a lot of emotional bouncing these days - but I think we'll be okay. She's been trying really hard to make some changes with how she reacts. And I've been trying really hard, as well.

January 13, 2006

2006-01-13T08:09:00.000-07:00

Wow. Last night was so much better. Maybe it was the family group session. Maybe it was the lack of caffeine in her system. Maybe the stars were just all in some lucky alignment. Whatever it was, last night was better. We even had a pleasant, honest, non-confrontational conversation about her earning some internet privileges back. Not one single raised voice, swear word, accusation nor sarcastic comment. Not one. It was nice.

And this morning was good, too, even tho' she overslept. She was down-right pleasant. If this is my birthday present from her, it's my favorite one.

January 12, 2006

2006-01-12T08:27:00.000-07:00

Wow. Yesterday was rough. She is so resistant to this program. She's even making her treatment team scratch their heads over what to do about her. We all think that deep down she knows she needs help and really wants it, but right now she is fighting it with every ounce of power she has. Her therapist said she is at "high risk" for more self-harm and possibly suicide. That scares the hell out of me. We're coming up on 3-day weekend where she will be home the whole time and I am scared. I pray constantly. I cry frequently. I try not to let the little ones pick up on just how stressful and scared I am for her. I am so tired.

This morning was fine ... I guess. She's withdrawn again. Her eyes are so empty.

January 11, 2006: part 2

2006-01-11T15:13:00.000-07:00

The family session today was so hard for me. My daughter is "very high risk" and if she doesn't start working the program soon she is in imminent danger. I feel like such an awful mother right now. The therapist assured us that we are doing everything right and that we are doing all we can for her, but they are not even sure what else to try. If this doesn't work ... if this doesn't save her ... if she does the unimaginable ... what do I do?

January 11, 2006

2006-01-11T08:13:00.000-07:00

Aaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm really starting to feel like I'm going to crack. It just keeps getting harder and harder and the stress just keeps building and building. I'm sure this is exactly what is supposed to happen - the storm is darkest before the light - but I really don't know how much more I can take. Every muscle in my body aches. I cried all the way to rehearsal last night. I'm having a difficult time sleeping. My headaches are worsening. It's killing me. It really is.

The program director wanted to talk to me yesterday when I arrived to pick her up. She told me that my daughter is still resisting the program, that her lack of sleep is affecting her attitude, her health and her willingness to work the program. She has suggested that we not let her have any caffeine for awhile and that if she doesn't start going to bed and getting enough sleep that we should consider having her quit her job and possibly even limit her contact with her friends until she does get some sleep. She said this could end up with her being admitted to inpatient treatment until she makes the change to care for and respect her body. The program director pulled her aside and told her the same thing she had just told me so she knows where she stands there.

She was most unpleasant for the rest of the evening and this morning. The nastiness is back. Oh, boy is it back. To say she is being passive-aggressive would be mild. There is such hatred in her eyes when she looks at me that it just rips my heart out.

One of her friends called her on the phone and they spent a good hour visiting. I overheard her (which I'm sure she wanted, since she was sitting on the couch and speaking loudly when it is usually her habit to take calls in her room for privacy) telling her friend about the program and how silly it is and how easy it is to manipulate the counselors and how they tricked one of the counselors into telling them which illicite drugs are healthy and won't permanently affect/damage your brain. And she laughed about it.

She tried to refuse to eat dinner. She ate it anyway, insulting me with each bite. After I left for rehearsal, she went downstairs to the master bathroom where her father found her trying to make herself throw up. She said she "didn't feel good."

This morning I went into the kitchen to get her medication for her to take and found her standing there with the bottle in her hands. She told me she took the pill herself. I asked her not to do that and that either her father or I will give her the pill so we can let the doctor know that she is, indeed, taking it as prescribed. She swore and insulted me and things just continued right on downhill from there. I have no idea if she really took it or not.

The effect this is having on all of us is so hard to take. All the driving to and from the treatment center takes so much time. Time that I would normally be cleaning or cooking or helping her younger siblings (10 yrs old and 7 yrs old) with their schoolwork. My husband is missing so much time from work where he has a major project that is now behind schedule. I won't even touch on the money burden this is. It all just keeps piling up and piling up and piling up to where I can barely see over the top of it all. I know somewhere in my heart that there is a silver lining to all of this, but I'm sure having a hard time seeing it right now.

January 10, 2006

2006-01-10T08:26:00.000-07:00

Our first family session went well yesterday. I think. She was sullen and quiet to begin, but she would talk quite a bit when the therapist would ask her questions. She wouldn't make eye-contact with us, but it's still early in her treatment. And the therapist didn't make us feel like failures as parents. I think, deep down, that I was fearful of that. Maybe I still am. Maybe that's because I feel like a failure as a parent.

They are doing daily body checks on her to make sure there are no new wounds. That has got to be hard for her. The therapist said they were impressed by just how extensive her scarring and wounds are. That breaks my heart. I knew there were a lot, but I'm sure there are more than I can even comprehend.

Her concentration level is really low right now - her mind must just be so full of thoughts and confusions. She's having an awful time staying focused. She studied her math last night for over an hour and just can't seem to wrap her mind around the concepts that have been so familiar and natural to her all these years. It's painful to see. I wish I could just kiss it and make it better for her. Why can't I just kiss it and make it better?

This morning was ok. She seemed in a fairly decent mood, all things considered. I hope it's a good sign for the day.

January 9, 2006

2006-01-09T08:28:00.000-07:00

My husband and I returned home yesterday evening. It was a long weekend and a beautiful funeral.

I think the kids enjoyed having Grammy and Poppy stay with them - the little ones, especially. My oldest, however, told me that she now understands a lot about me and why I am the way I am. She said she spent the 1st 16 years of her life thinking her grandparents were the coolest people on the planet and that I am just pathetically out of touch, but now she's found out she was wrong and she feels betrayed. She also said she felt like she was in a 24/7 therapy session. I guess that means they wouldn't let her take the car out alone or go online or get that industrial piercing or any of the things that she's not allowed to do just now. LOL! Thanks, Mom & Dad.

She started taking Prozac Saturday morning. Right now it's a very low dose - 10mg per day. Hopefully it will work for her. I don't really like playing the "let's experiment until we find the right drug" game, but what else are you gonna do? Nothing else has been working. And I know (hope) that she won't have to be on it forever, just until she can learn to live normally without it.

This morning was touch and go. She was very cranky and argumentative, trying to pick fights over little things. I'm just too tired to play along. I think that was making her mad, too. It's no fun to fight alone.

Our first family session is today. I hope it goes well. I have no idea what to expect from it. I'd like them to tell us that she's been cured and is all better and will send her home with us to live our happily ever after ... but I know that won't happen. Not just yet, anyway.

January 6, 2006

2006-01-06T08:21:00.000-07:00

The drive home yesterday was pretty much the same as the day before. She is sullen and sulky and not at all happy to see me. She plays her iPod so loud that it's difficult for the rest of us to converse with each other or to even listen to what's playing on the radio. I know this is normal and to be expected, but ... *sigh*

She had work last night. It must have gone well because she came home in a fairly good mood. She was conversational and friendly. Maybe it's just me she hates.

I look at her and I see this beautiful, amazing, intelligent, multi-talented angel who is filled with so much sadness and anger and confusion that it just makes my heart break. How do I help her see just how amazing she really is?

My husband and I are flying out of state tonight for a funeral. My parents will be staying with the kids while we are gone. I hope all goes well for them. I'm sure it will. They are more than experienced in dealing with this sort of kid - they work in juvenile corrections. I'm trying to not worry. Really, I am.

January 5, 2006

2006-01-05T09:11:00.000-07:00

Well, yesterday went better than I feared. She was a bit confused and anxiously irritated when I checked her out of school and told her where we were going. She was sullen and withdrawn and sulky during our orientation session with her new counselors. But ... she stayed. And she wasn't confrontational. And I think she listened.

She was smiling and laughing with the counselor when the little ones and I arrived to pick her up for the day. Of course, the minute we walked out of the facility she was immediately sullen and sulky, but I expected so much worse. She scowled most of the way home and went straight to her bedroom to play her stereo too loud, but, again, I expected that. The surprising part was her niceness when her dad got home from work. She even wished him a happy birthday and ate all of her dinner (of course, it was her favorite dish) and spent a pleasant evening with the family. While I was gone for the night (rehearsal), her boyfriend came over and helped her get her college application filled out and emailed.

All in all, it was a good day. I am cautiously optimistic.

Day One

2006-01-04T14:49:00.000-07:00

It's a hard, hard thing to admit that you don't know how to make your child feel happy or safe or wanted or any other loving emotions a child should feel.

Today we enrolled our oldest child into a daytime care facility for troubled teens. It's like being committed to a mental hospital/treatment facility only without the overnight stays.

She's a cutter. Self harm. Self mutilation. She needs help we just can't give. Help I wish more than breath that I could give. It's tearing me up. This beautiful, intelligent, talented, witty breath of life that I created - blood of my blood, flesh of my flesh - and I can't help her. At least we can get her the help that she needs and provide to her a safe haven while she learns to love herself again as we love her.

Please ... let her learn to love herself.

Please.