A Mother's Tale

April 19, 2007

2007-04-19T10:55:00.000-06:00

I am losing my mind. I thought I'd already posted this. Well, I will now, I suppose.

She's doing pretty good on her own. She and her friend found a really nice place. They are sharing a 5-bedroom house in a very nice area of town - one of the nicest - with 3 other girls - so that makes 5 girls in all in this house. We couldn't have picked a better arrangement for her had we found it ourselves. She says she's still taking her meds - most of the time - and we seem to all get along better now. Mostly. Of course, I'm not sure if she's still seeing her therapist and psychiatrist like she's supposed to, and that concerns me. But, all I can do now is trust that she will make the right decisions and learn from the bad choices that she will inevitably make. This growing up business is not easy.

Neither is this letting go.

April 2, 2007

2007-04-02T08:42:00.000-06:00

She moved out yesterday. She packed up her car, and moved out. She's gonna be staying with a girlfriend while they look for an apartment together. I kept waiting for her to come home last night & announce "April Fools!" and that it was all just a big prank. But she didn't.
Who knew it would be a physical ache? This is like the first day of first grade times a million.
I know she'll be ok. I know we'll be ok. But right now ... well ... it sucks.

March 31, 2007

2007-03-31T10:43:00.000-06:00

*yawn*
The dogs woke my husband up around 4:00 this morning. He got up to investigate and discovered that our daughter had snuck out of the house, breaking house rules and violating our trust. We text messaged her boyfriend on a hunch and found her over there. She came home & the fighting began.
I think she'll be moving out soon.

March 30, 2007

2007-03-30T08:21:00.000-06:00

I made the decision this past week to go ahead and turn the first year of this blog into a book. It is now available in paperback HERE. I wanted to assure those who have posted comments to the blog all this time that no comments are included. It is just my ramblings and journalings, so no worries.

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Now that my daughter is 18, she is wanting more adult-type responsibilities. She wants to be responsible for taking her meds, for getting them refilled, for making and keeping her appointments ... and she's wanting to move out into her own place.
*nervous sigh*
So, we've been letting her. Except for the move out part. She doesn't have the income, yet, for that & it's really frustrating her. She's going to school full-time at the university and just started her second part-time job. This is an important life lesson for her and she's learning it takes a lot more than really wanting a really cool apartment to make it happen.

She's been doing ok with taking her meds & making and keeping her appointments. However, the refill thing is not being as easy as she thought, either. She's been out of her GABA for a few days now. It's at the pharmacy all refilled and ready for her to go pick it up, she just hasn't. Argh! I hope she makes it happen soon. At least the other meds are still onboard & she has been taking them regularly as prescribed.

Last weekend I was certified in Reiki I natural healing. I gave her a treatment last night & she really seemed to enjoy it. It calmed her right down. I hope she'll let this be a regular thing. I really think it will help her a lot. In fact, I know it will.

March 12, 2007

2007-03-12T12:18:00.000-06:00

They changed her meds again. Hooray! She is now taking Lamictal, a medication used to treat Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. She's 2 weeks into it and so far it's being pretty good for her. I hope this means they may have found "the one" that works. *crosses fingers*

February 18, 2007

2007-02-18T12:14:00.000-07:00

Oh, boy, are we not liking the Aderal! We didn't like it when she was on it in junior high, we don't like it now. She's called her psychiatrist and left a message about it. Hopefully we can get it changed before we all go insane. Icky bad stuff! It's like meth in pill form. Horrible horrible horrible! She's bouncing off the walls on it ... that is until it wears off. Then it's crash and burn. She gets grumpy and mouthy and just all around nasty. Do not like the Aderal. Not at all.

February 13, 2007

2007-02-13T08:12:00.000-07:00

She saw her psychiatrist yesterday. Good visit. They've decided to ween her off of the Prozac now. She goes back in 2 weeks to see how she's adjusting to that & may take her completely off it then. They've also put her on a BioProgesterone capsule & Aderal (for ADD) to go along with the progesterone cream & GABBA complex she's already taking. She's happy and very confident about it.

And she starts her new job today as a computer lab tech at the University. Hooray!

January 19, 2007

2007-01-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

She's 18 years old today. An adult. Well, at least legally. Emotionally, it varies. Sometimes she's very mature for her age and really seems to have it all together, other times she's like a petulant 7 year old. But then, aren't we all?

She's come a long way this year. We all have. I think we've hit the highest highs, and I know we've hit the lowest lows. All in all, I believe we are stronger for having survived it.

So ...

Happy Birthday, Sweetness! You are a remarkable young woman. You are strong and resilient. You are beautiful and funny and talented. Your intelligence is astounding. You can be anything and everything you desire. All you have to do is decide ... then DO. The whole world - the whole universe - is there for you, waiting for you to embrace it. You have such an amazing life ahead for you. You will accomplish so much. Your spirit has been through the depths and fires of hell and has now, like Phoenix, arisen from the ashes stronger and more beautiful than ever imagined. You are my hero and I am so proud to be your mother. Thank you for sharing your life with me. I love you.

January 1, 2007

2007-01-01T15:16:00.000-07:00

Happy New Year!

We survived. We made it a whole year. Yay! Last night passed without incident. She spent the evening with her boyfriend & his family & came home on time (or close to it, anyway) - sober & happy. And she's been in a good mood today, too.

I think, although we'll still experience a little wind & rain occassionally, that our storm has passed. It's been a year and we're ok.

Thank God.

December 31, 2006

2006-12-31T10:34:00.000-07:00

*bites nails*

Tonight. It was one year ago tonight that our world fell apart. What an anniversary. We're trusting her to be safe and smart - she will be spending the evening with her boyfriend and his family.

Here's hoping this year is better lived than last!

*raises a glass in toast*

December 15, 2006

2006-12-15T11:38:00.000-07:00

Wow. I totally missed the entired month of November. Gah! Of course, it's been a helluva month full of family health challenges - my uncle was diagnosed with malignant brain cancer and my father-in-law underwent a couple of emergency heart surgeries and almost didn't make it. When it rains it pours, huh?

But ... my daughter is still holding her own. She's been see-sawing emotionally, but nothing terribly dramatic like last year. She'd been forgetting to take her progestine cream and sometimes forgets to take her other meds, so I'm sure that explains a lot of it. And she just survived finals (we've yet to see if she passed them) for her first semester as a college student. She also totalled her car then had the engine blow up on another. That's 2 cars in less than 2 months. I think that would throw anybody into a tailspin.

Still, as I watch her moodswings, I look back at where we were just a year ago and the difference is amazing. I can go downstairs to her room to wake her up and not worry about whether I'll find her alive or not. I can leave her with her younger siblings and not worry about their safety. I can argue with her and recognize it as the normal teenage power struggle that it is and not worry what she'll do in retribution. The stress and fear and worry is so dramatically LESS and the love and trust and hope is so much MORE.

We're closing in the year mark. I admit I'm trepidatious. New Year's Eve isn't my favorite holiday as it is, and last year's events don't do much to make me feel better about it at all. But, I am hopeful that we are past the darkest hour and that her recovery will continue, and that she will keep growing stronger and happier and more sure of herself.

October 24, 2006

2006-10-24T09:23:00.000-06:00

First, let me preface by saying I'm on day 2 of a migraine so I'm far less than nice at the moment. For this, I apologize.

She's back together with her boyfriend. We all know it's more of a "he's familiar & comfortable" thing than a real reconcilliation, but it's her - and his - lesson to learn.

She wrecked her car Friday. Rear-ended a guy on the interstate. Thank God she's ok - that is the most important thing. The guy she rear-ended had a trunk full of automatic weapons. Scary. So now we're trying to figure out some way for her to get a new car as hers is no longer drivable. I'm hoping hers can fixed, but I'm afraid it would cost much more to fix it than it would to just get a new car.

On top of all this, she hasn't been taking her meds very regularly. Some days she doesn't take them at all. This, of course, keeps her levels from remaining balanced and throws her into all kinds of off-kiltered mood swings ... most of which she takes out on me. I know I'm "safe" and all that, but it gets so hard to take all glaring & swearing & nastiness.

Guess that explains the migraine, huh?

October 2, 2006

2006-10-02T14:40:00.000-06:00

She broke up with her boyfriend this weekend. They've been together almost a year. She's sad, but otherwise okay, I think. She's seen it coming for months now. Just the same, I'm glad she has an appointment with her therapist tomorrow. Especially since she seems to be drawn towards the attentions of a married man in one of her classes.

*sigh*

September 17, 2006

2006-09-17T15:37:00.000-06:00

Things are going great again. She is loving college. She even survived one of her worst days ever Friday without relapse. She is learning to really be strong and resilient and self-sufficient. Even our relationship has improved immeasurably.
Maybe it's the new house? The new neighborhood? New beginnings? Whatever it is, I thank God for it.

August 24, 2006

2006-08-24T07:28:00.000-06:00

She had a relapse Tuesday night. I just found out about it last night. I understand why, I guess. At least the triggers make sense - fight with her boyfriend, starting college, moving, etc. And she hasn't been able to see her therapist in weeks - and even she recognizes how much she's needed to see him. She has an appointment with him today. I hope it helps.

It breaks my heart when she does this, but I still see that she is making progress with it. This time it was one cut and she came to us the very next night about it and she is planning on talking to her therapist about it and the reasons/triggers for it. She's not hiding it anymore. I don't mean that she flaunts it, but she talks about it and her stresses and wants to get better and stronger and to stop. This gives me hope for her.

I wish I wasn't one of her triggers. I wish I could ask about her day without her accusing me of being nosy or a nag ... or both. We can talk about sex or spirituality or theology or politics or the supernatural or the price of tea in china, but the minute I ask about work or school or "what's your schedule like," I'm the bad guy again. It frustrates the bejeebies out of me. I'm not trying to be controlling at all. I just want to know what's going with her.

August 23, 2006

2006-08-23T08:02:00.000-06:00

Wow. Just ... wow. She's a college student now. It feels like 1st grade all over again. I spent that day in tears, too. She's all grown up and running headfirst and full-speed towards her future. She wants to be a physicist. She is amazing.

Wow.

July 7, 2006

2006-07-07T09:02:00.000-06:00

I haven't been posting as much lately. This is a good thing. Life here is so ... so ... normal now. My daughter is quite the average teen, now, with average teen drama and reactions. Nothing over the top, no reasons to worry. It's nice. She'll be starting school at the University the end of next month and is really looking forward to it. She just needs to slow down long enough to get registered for her classes. I am very excited for her future.

June 8, 2006

2006-06-08T08:11:00.000-06:00

I am exhausted! It's been a long - but good - week.

My daughter's appointment with the new therapist went well. She really seems to like him and trust him. Enough so, that this time she made 3 appointments in advance. Wow. And she recognizes, now, that she assumes a "therapy attitude" when she goes in as a sort of defense and that she wants to drop that. Wow, again. I think she just might make even greater progress with this guy.

Her high school graduation was Tuesday. She positively glowed! My parents and sister came from out of state to be with us for that. They left yesterday. It's been a crazy, stressful, happy, busy, wonderful week.

May 25, 2006

2006-05-25T13:49:00.000-06:00

Success! I think. She had an appointment with yet another new therapist yesterday ... and actually made a second appointment with him. Hooray! She seems to like this guy ... so far. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

May 19, 2006

2006-05-19T09:22:00.000-06:00

My goodness, it's been a long time since I've blogged here. I suppose that's a good sign - she's making amazing progress ... we're making amazing progress. So much so that I've been able to overbook myself with projects (I'm involved in 2 plays right now - one as an actor, one as assistant vocal director). There are days I just want to bang my head against a wall & scream, "What on earth am I thinking?"

My daughter is now learning the lesson that you can't have a steady, serious boyfriend and date other guys at the same time. Nobody is happy with that arrangement. We tried to warn her, but ... well ... it's a lesson to be learned. And I think she's learning it ok. I think.

Today she is travelling with her school orchestra and symphony to the All-State competition. I'm sure they'll sweep it again this year. They are very good and always do very well in these competitions.

And, on top of everything else, she will be graduating high school in just 2 weeks. Wow! I still remember sitting in Wendy's and sobbing about my baby going into 1st grade and now she is preparing to graduate high school and move on to the University in the fall. And she is so tall and so beautiful and so smart and so talented. Just ... Wow.

April 28, 2006

2006-04-28T10:39:00.000-06:00

My daughter had her first appointment with a new therapist yesterday. After only 30 minutes it was evident this was not a love match. She's decided now that she'd be more comfortable with a male therapist because she doesn't trust women. Gah! Back to the drawing board ... and the PPO list.

At least her meds all still seem to be working. Her moods are a lot more level than what they were 5 months ago.

April 14, 2006

2006-04-14T13:05:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, she and her therapist decided that they are not a good fit. Argh! So, now we get to go therapist shopping again and start all over from square one. I just don't think she realizes that every therapist she talks to is going to expect her to talk about and work on certain things that she doesn't want to face or admit. I could just scream. My patience is worn so thin today ... ugh!

April 10, 2006

2006-04-10T08:21:00.000-06:00

We got the results back on the blood her shrink had drawn last month. It turns out her hormones are waaaaaay out of balance, her estrogen levels being extremely high and her progesterone very low. So, along with the prozac and the GABBA she has added a progesterone cream twice a day. She started on it Friday and so far so good. The doctor seems to think that if we can get her hormones leveled out that we might stand a very good chance of taking her off the prozac eventually. That would be so nice. I guess we'll see.

And it looks like she and her boyfriend are trying work their way through things. I wish them luck.

April 6, 2006

2006-04-06T08:18:00.000-06:00

What a week. When it rains, it pours, huh? Looking out the window at the snow coming down right now, I think that statement is more literal than actually meant.
It's been a week of many ups and downs. My daughter has been in a really good place most of the week. She's started working out at the gym, even dragging her father or I along. She really seems to enjoy being our "personal trainer." I've been very thankful for her good mood and willingness to help out this week. She and I have been the only ones not sick. We've had one case of strep, one case of bronchitis, two cases of pneumonia and one cancer scare - all in one week. Zowie! And just as it seems people are starting to get well, she had a bad night. She and her boyfriend have been discussing religion, spirituality, and human rights and she is finding that they have very different views. She believes everybody has the right to believe what they will. He believes his is the only right view. She's afraid she's falling out of love with him. And it hurts her. She cried all night. This is going to be a very challenging time for her to get through. I hope she's strong enough now, and remembers to use the tools she's learned.

March 27, 2006

2006-03-27T08:33:00.000-07:00

She's home! She's been gone most of the week on tour with her high school band, orchestra and symphony. They went to Anaheim and returned home yesterday afternoon. I missed her so much. We all did. It's always been difficult to let her go on tour each year, but this year was especially so. But she made it home safely with no relapses ... and she had a great time.

Now that she's home, she's raring to get a job. She's volunteering again at a local community theatre doing lights and is hoping to find employment again, soon, too. I think she'd prefer to find something theatrical-tech related, but she might just consider retail again, too. We'll see. For now, it's just so good to have my daughter back. I love her so much.